Day Two - The Crap that Lingers

Fresh out of church today after an encounter with God that only personal journal will get to know about (some things are just intimate). But one thing that literally kicked me in the face is the things that linger on us that impede our growth. In my case, loss (as in weight loss).

And the funny thing is, I'm not sure why I thought of it. It was something small really, a wild moment in my 20's, online love, and a song that triggered something in me that I can't even understand why it affected me so deeply.

Seriously, I was just listening to this song in the neighborhood coffee shop and boom, this song came on and put me in a place I haven't been in since my unfortunate 20's.

The story is simple:  a girl with low behind self esteem hiding behind her computer because she's too scared to have a real relationship meets a "pretty awesome dude " on line who has enough musician angst to satisfy her. They have an intense online relationship with plans to meet in her native NYC. Of course the girl is  young and stupid. She sends this jackass money, puts his photo up everywhere, even goes as far as planning to give him her very precious real estate (in other words, he was designated to be her first lover for those following along at home) .  .  .  and then he disappears. And then he pops back up with a new girlfriend and a "we can still be friends." obligatory line that was pure BS. That never happens, he blocks her email, won't answer her phone calls, in fact the phone number changes. The girl decides that she's nobody's stalker and let's it go. She's like " I'm like cool". That was a lie. "I'll get over it, it wasn't that serious. . ." that was a lie from the pit of hell.

Oh the guy (whose name doesn't matter because I don't exist in his world. That's not pity talk, that's actual fact!), he's not the problem. It's what he left behind that is the problem. I never allowed myself to say "Yo, that was some f%^&#d up crap he did."  or "Wow, I'm a total idiot!" Nope, I just tucked it away like it didn't affect me in the least.  And you know what? For a good portion of us, that crap lingers. The sense of rejection doesn't go away. It holds on and makes us feel unworthy, stupid, sub par, and it leaves unfinished business. It's not the guy or the girl, it's the emotions. Emotional wounds that kick your ass hard if we don't heal them. They can hold us back from going forward into a new life.

Now that was like an emotional paper cut compared to other wounds I have had but it was significant enough to be triggered and now to be dealt with.

I made a stupid mistake falling for a catfish mutha %#$#* who left me short 50 bucks but with  my virginity in tact. He was wrong, I was stupid. I am older now and now I can say I can forgive him. I won't say he's innocent, just that I forgive him.

As I sip my cappuccino and listen to the song that tells me that crap can linger, but don't let it linger on you.

Why Be Skinny? (Day One!)

Okay, confession time. I'm a control freak. A big ole crazy control freak. I don't like people telling me what to do or that I'm wrong. I also don't like criticism. Don't let the acquiesce fool you, I'm a passive aggressive heifer. And besides my love for all things wrapped in dumplings, I'm fat because I like being in control. Yup, that's the reason. I like being in control. It's my identity, dammit!

And I've lost weight many times before. I get comments about how I look and how I should proceed and I stop. I fall right off the wagon. Why? My identity has been stripped away. Big Sexy is dying and there's no one to take her place.

That's sucks doesn't it? Because this is my reason for my weight, not every woman in the world, it sucks for me because had I realized this before, I would have been healthier a long time ago!

So, is it about willpower? No, I stopped eating fast food and drinking soda years ago. I just have a bad habit of not taking care of myself. (You don't eat, you go into starvation mode. So I've been starving myself)

Is it fear? In a sense. Society has told me that fat = unattractive = safe from unwanted and unsolicited advances. So not true. But it is an epic mindscrew from the pit of hell that I only just realized I believed.

Is it lack of motivation? I'm not sure, I'm trying to figure that one out right now.

So, why lose weight anyway? Truthfully, I'm uncomfortable and I'm not healthy. Stress is killing me and I refuse to die young. Do I care if society accepts the new me? Don't know. Do I care that I will be someone else i.e. a skinnier version of me? I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

This is just me rambling the night before I really take control (!) and change my lifestyle for the better.

I have 99 problems and my weight shouldn't be one of them! 

European Trip Day 1 - The flying school bus and the big payoff.

May 21, 2014

I'm all packed and ready to go. I do my last check in my room, have a travelling mercy prayer with mom and dad because I'm freaking out, get in my car and I'm on my way to the airport for Paris, France, my first leg of the European tour. So I'm leaving about 4: 30 in the afternoon and so it's the wait to get on the plane. Basically, I'm scared out of my freaking mind. I'm about ready to go nuts because I don't like flying, I don't like flying and I don't like flying (Did I mention that I don't like flying?)  I try to reassure myself that I'm going to be on a big plane so I'll be just fine. .  .  .

Until I see the plane.

Then I'm panicking. How is this flying cheese wagon going to get me across the Atlantic ocean to a place I've never been!? I don't care if it's an AirBus 330, this sucker looks like an old yellow school bus with engines. And then it has the nerve to be sold out so I'm on the plane with 239 other brave souls trying to get to Paris. I am already white knuckle and ready to cry because this is sucker ain't going to make it!

We take off. .  .  .

I'm gonna die and I'm not married yet. Lord this isn't my fate!!!!

Did I mention this plane is small?!

The flight is like six flags Nitro. I'm supposed to sleep on this thing?!

One small bottle of white wine and two Advil pm later.  . .

Oh did I fall asleep? Wow, is that land? Am I in France?

I knew we'd make it.  . .

Worth the the rickety rocket plane ride!

European Trip Day Two - Feels Like Home

So what it took me a long time to write about day two of my European trip? I was busy! With that said, on with the blog...  .  

I'm still dealing with jetlag and the surreal realization that not only am I in another country, I'm totally off the grid (Sprint is not even having it!) And being off the grid I am away from everything that makes me feel comfort - my parents, my siblings, and Facebook! The only thing I have is Skype and it's unreliable at best. So here I am in a European country with nothing but me and my city smarts.

Asnières-sur-Seine 

They don't help me here. Because Parisians are a whole level other of snarky. The subway isn't the same, the city vibe is just not the same. I'm trying to see the charm of Paris, but I can't right now. I guess because I'm also from a big city. It's okay. I can sense that Paris is older than USA. The air is different, the feeling is different, like it is full of history where USA is full of promise and youth.

We're in the Lourve today. And I see all of the art that people only speak about. Mona Lisa, is underwhelming, but the Lourve itself is a work of art. So many things to see and to experience. How does a person take it all in and remember?

What stop lights?

So that's it?!

Tonight we dine in a small bistro in the neighborhood of Ainsieres. It's like being in Brooklyn to me even down to the dog poop on the street and the street art. Again, it's like being at home except no one is speaking English. The bistro owner, Tony, is pleasant and is excited about the amount of money he is getting from the Americans who are not afraid to eat what he serves. I have Bavette and frittes. (Steak and potatoes) but it's not simply that. It is divine. I have wine that is so sweet and good that my roommate gets totally wasted on it (Wine is cheaper than soda in Paris). I go back to my room tipsy which means it's bed time!

Day two in Europe completed.

Factory Defect - My itching hand

Thank God for restraining power!

Because for real, I have a pretty sneaky factory defect.  If a man's in front of me and he's either too close or he doesn't notice that he's in my space, moved me out of the way or is being rude or obnoxious. I feel the urge to grab their booties or pinch them just to let them know

"By the way, sweet cheeks, I'm right behind you"

Oh the temptation to grab a backside, especially when the guy is so into himself or thinks I'm invisible that he is just ignoring my existence. That happens because, you know I'm an introvert and we're ever in ninja mode.

Maybe my ninja mode is useful for some things.

Like pinching that Wall Street type power broker with the arrogant face. Just so that he can realize he is not safe. Not with ladies like me lurking with itchy hands. .  .

Is her hand where I think it is?!!

But I realize that I can't slap @##es because the mood strikes me. It says in the bible that while everything is permissible, not everything is beneficial. I won't get much out of it except maybe a summons, possible jail time, and a whole lot of men wondering why I'm so touchy feely and I don't even know them.  And it's not nice to disrespect others no matter what is going through my mind. 

But the temptation is there. Which means I'm actually a functional human being. So even if the temptation is right in front of me.  .  .  . like a few inches in front of me. I won't do it, because even when there's temptation, there is a way out. Thank God. 

Like Joseph and Potiphar's Wife. I shall resist!!!!

Sunday Blog - AM/BW groups . . . so . . . . yeah

I'm a member of numerous AM/BWgroups (in introvert terms, that means I troll them suckers until I am comfortable answering a post. .  . don't judge me). It's okay. I'm not trying to meet anyone on the internet these days - LOOOOOOOONNNNNNNGGGGG story that ends with Alanis Morrisette  being played while photos get sliced up with a butter knife. But that's another post.

This one is about the state of females in general these days and the thought of being an actual lady in your bearing. Many women seem to think it's okay to be less than ladylike to get a man's attention. I don't know why it seems legit to put your booty, boobs, and naked flesh out there in hopes to find a good man. I'm not seeing the logic. Are you really looking for a good man or are you looking for a jump off? I'm just asking because I see it a lot in my groups. Now, if that's how you want to get down, by all means twerk and jiggle until your heart's content. If it's getting a man's attention and that's what you want go right ahead. But I wonder, and follow me now because I'm probably about to piss some of these girls off. Especially in the arena of interracial dating, it's bad enough that Black women are usually portrayed as oversexed, easy lays, and ignorant. Shouldn't we be careful how we show ourselves to others? Again if you are in fact oversexed, an easy lay, and ignorant, be true to yourself, boo. I'm not telling you to change anything. But I feel like that image will attract the wrong man regardless if he's Black, White, Latino, Native, Samoan, Asian, or unspecified. Why do you think doing the same thing in a different arena will give you different results? Or maybe again, you like being used and discarded, having pretty interracial babies but no ring to show for it, or you're not looking for a relationship at all you're just experimenting. I'm cool with that. Again, do you. But for us who are ladies in the realest sense of the word (You ain't seeing nothing on this body unless we're on our honeymoon, hunty, This is expensive real estate!), it makes it kind of crappy to be in these groups and see the goings ons and wondering if I was trying to meet someone with sense in the group, I probably won't because of their expectations.

Or maybe I'm a killjoy and I'm reading too much into this.  .  .

Or maybe my expectations for women and men are higher than they should be.  .   .

Or maybe I should put on something tight and revealing and show myself off on Thirsty Thursdays. If I get a man's attention, why not?

Or maybe the same idiots exist no matter what their outer appearance is and I need to steer clear of these men regardless so the nekkid sisters with no filter in the groups are actually helping me in my weeding process.

In that case, good looking out, twerking, naked girl! You're doing me a great service.


(And that my friends, is me being sarcastic. God forgive me!)

Church folks

Short blog on this Sunday because I'm just having a lot of thoughts after this church service.

Wow, we church folks are messed the math up!

Oh we're good during the service! But yo.  .  .  .!

Sunday Blog: Well, My God isn't . . .

I have had conversations with individuals, usually when the world reminds us just how crappy humanity can get if left to its nature, and there is always someone who says something along the lines of  "Well, my god would never allow this to happen". 

Or, if we're talking about some doctrinal belief that may not make the person feel comfortable, they may say "Well, my god isn't like that and .  .  .  ." 

God has been called "Goddess", "Higher Being", "Higher Conscious" etc. I even saw "The Goddess, The Daughter, and the Spirit" somewhere in my travels. I say to each his or her own. You can have a god who is of your design and accepts what you do, say, or believe. Many people believe that god is a construct anyway. A figment of the imagination of the desperate. An opiate for the masses, fairytales and myth. The tool of the stupid. I have heard it all. 

But let me tell you about the God I choose to serve: 

He is designer of the universe. The most precise designer of infinity down the very structure of the cells in my body. He created the universe with a word with such precision and accuracy that if our earth moved an iota to the right or left, we would not be here. Please tell me if happenstance can pull that off.  

He is the author of all truth. He has set laws in this universe that like it or not, exist. We have the choice to  either  follow or not. But there are consequences to a denial of the absolute. Ask yourself why compassion is dying, why the rich become more vicious and the generations are losing parts of themselves. It's not religion that's doing it. It's a denial of the absolute truths of this world. 

He is not governed by whether we want him or not. He exists outside of us. So if we choose not to believe, His power and relevance does not diminish. Unlike the gods of the ancient world, He's still God, not myth. It's one of the reasons why when an atheist tells me they don't believe, I just shrug at them. He doesn't need their permission to live. He's been here before them, He'll exist after them. 

He is what the person of Christ portrays. He is compassion and truth. He is power and authority, He commands His creation without hesitation, He knows all of us intimately by name, He is God Almighty in the flesh. He is not a White man with hippy hair and a non violent message. He is not a Black man to make us more comfortable in our biased minds. He is not a man in a expensive suit on Sunday morning asking for you to pay for your salvation. My God didn't come to make a new religion, He came to bring us back to a right knowledge of who He really is. 

He is outside of my imagination because I could never create a God like him. He is not what I would see for myself and for my desires. My God isn't a fairy tale. My God isn't a myth. My God knows me by name and He is not something I can understand but I know that He is willing to give me some insight into who He is. My God is .  .   .  . and he doesn't need me to exist, but I need Him to survive.

Letter to Myself When The World Tries . . . .

Hey You,

Yeah, you. The one who claims to love Jesus so much. The one who is "on fire" and "Spirit led", what is this? How are you allowing human beings who can't even pinpoint the origin of any species or universe tell you who you are? Don't you get it? That person wants some control over who you are. And they don't deserve it because they didn't create you. Every nasty comment, every side eye, every off handed remark is a way of bringing you down so they can control how you act, what you do, and where you spend your emotional energy.  It's not to your benefit to listen to the negative voices in the world. Because none of them have the final say of where you're going.

Remember that your Father is King of Heaven, that's right He's King of Heaven and that makes you a Princess, which means you are royalty. You may not feel it, it may feel bleak some days but don't look down, that crown will fall off. Jesus didn't die on a cross for you to listen to the negativity of the world. He died so that when you write, you reach into the souls of men and let them know that your talent was not an accident. That when you sit in front of a person and listen to his or her struggle, that you are the extension of God who loves them enough to provide counselors in flesh to guide them out of darkness. You are created to be awesome, to walk with the assurance that you are in fact part of a royal family. There's no paupers.

And so what if that guy "doesn't date bigger girls" who is he? Just another human being who is trying to live. You should tell them what you don't want. You aren't trying to get his attention, he should be wondering if he's worthy of yours. No man is worth your pride or dignity. God knows what you need and he will provide a prince. And until then, your majesty, you go on your journey and let these haters be your motivators.

Sincerely, with Love

Princess Brooklynista

Fat Girl Fridays - OkCupid. . . .

What's with the men on dating sites anyway? That's not a rhetorical question. I really want to know!

I'm just not getting it.  .  .  . 

My last rash of men on OkCupid were just not the kind of men I would want to spend time with. Most were ready to see me buck nekkid before we got to coffee, others had weird behind fetishes that made me optimistic about my career choice (Therapy? I'm always gonna have a job!). Some of them were old behind men trying to mack a girl who is possibly old enough to be their daughter (54, sir? Really? Age ain't nothing but a number, but you're like AARP status, no offense, but no), others were 20 something or younger trying to find a cougar to take care of them. And then the ones that appear decent are so busy trying to play head games with me. Sir, I already know where you're going, pardon me if I get off here.

I'm pretty sure there are some decent, viable options on dating sites. There has to be because so many people have met their true love online, but it's obvious that the ones I'm attracting now are making me disillusioned and discouraged. Kind of like dating in the church (Another blog, Lawd, Another blog!!!) 

Oh Well, hopefully my prince will come. By himself, with a small amount of baggage. 

Being the Youngest Sucks!

I'm the youngest of five girls. (Yup 1 2 3 4 5) and because of this, I have been basically ignored for the past 30+ years. I've made my own personality, my own likes and dislikes and I'm pretty much my own woman these days.

I have a IRA for crying out loud!

But it's obvious that some members of my family have not gotten the memo. My older sister seems to think I'm still the whiny 15 year old she used to drag around like a handbag everywhere so her jokes about the 15 year old Brooklynista are kind of lame to the over 30 Brooklynista who has outgrown being the butt of family jokes:

That kind of lame

Since I don't share her enthusiasm or joy in making fun of me. I'm now also too sensitive. Because you know I don't like the fact that everything I say is either a joke or get an eye roll because you know I'm the hermit who doesn't go anywhere, is never going to get married, and doesn't have a life. Actually, sis, I do actually go out, I'm too busy to date and yes I will get married eventually. I love you but the last time I checked, It's like 15 or so years later and the Brooklynista isn't the same person. She's grown up, got a life and is happy where she's at. So.  .  .

Darnit!!!

Hair Confessions: I won't do a hair blog and here's why. . .

I'm a natural girl. The reason is simple, my low tolerance for burning my very sensitive scalp with relaxers. Since I like having hair, I did the most sensible thing and let my hair be.  So far, I've been natural for four years. My hair would have been longer had I ran from my mother and her hair shears (Mama Bear was a licensed beautician and a Nurse. She can do it all!) I did research on my hair type and try to keep it healthy and moisturized as much as possible. 

For me, just because I have natural hair doesn't mean I'm inspired to make up a regimen and tell you all about it. In fact, I do this method most of the time because it makes my hair behave. I am not too caught up in length but more health at this point. I want to have a big ole fro but not at the expense of my sanity. I keep it simple. So why bore you with the details?

A whole blog about my boring behind hair story? That's not necessary. An occasional post about how I have issues with people touching my hair (you may as well grab my boob!), girls who have to say something about the texture (I didn't ask you, Felicia, bye!), and trying to find a styling gel that won't make me look like Frederick Douglas? I can do that. But a whole blog?!  Nu sir!

I love the community that has been inspired to help us lazy behinds care for the hair we have. You guys are wonderful, you'll never have to worry about me joining your ranks!

Me and my hair.  The only pic you'll ever see.  .  .

Getting Out of Town: My First European Trip

So, in little less than a week from now, I'll be going to another country for the first time for "Counseling in the Global Context" a class about understanding different cultures in their environment. So the pre-travel rigamoroll is off the chain.

I've been to 12 of the 50 states so far and so travelling for me is old hat. I've traveled by rail, bus, and plane. But  this is the very first time I'll be leaving North America to go to Europe. It's a pretty big deal for me. It's funny how those who've traveled already are trying to downplay my experience but I only smile at them. I'm a gal from Brooklyn, NY, I live in one of the most popular tourist stops in the world. I am now about to be a tourist myself in two countries that have their own pre-conceived notions about Americans and maybe even New Yorkers. This is going to be a trip!

Literally!

I'm a Christian, I'm arguing with you.

Seriously, it won't change anything. I realize that me arguing with those who believe that God doesn't exist is pointless.  In my experience, most folks don't want to hear you, they want to change your mind. It's more an attack than an intelligent discussion. I get bored quickly too. A finite being is trying to tell me that an infinite being does not exist. That basically makes the atheist omniscient. Well if that's true, then we'd have the answers for everything.

Last time I checked, we don't.

Resurrection Day!!

Today is Easter. It's the day that most people either do one of three things.

1. They go to church having not been there since Easter last year because you know that's what you do .

2. They spend the whole day posting on Facebook, blogs, and tell everyone who will listen that Easter is a pagan holiday for the goddess Ishtar and its fictitious, Jesus never existed and they are usually ignored. Because, yo shut up nobody asked you! (By the way, naysayers. Easter coincides with Passover. Which is why it moves and its a commemoration not an actual date. So there! )

3.Your church does a pageant. It may not be the best but it's about trying to convey why we believe what we do as Christians. This year  I was in my church 's production. Epic!

Brooklyn Tabernacle Theatre Company: We take it to the next level!

My other Factory Defect

I used to be a full on worry wort. I would obsess and flip over the smallest thing. Now I'm pretty laid back about a lot of things. I realize that my character quirk pisses off Type A folks like nobody's business. Like today. I went to get something notarized and silly me my ID is expired. Given that I actually have a valid ID (passport). I don't pay attention to my state ID since I only use it for official stuff. So while the notary is having a hissy fit. I'm already on solution mode. Whoops, gotta go get my passport.  He's still being an ass (is in the bible!). But again I'm already in solution mode. I guess everyone around me may need a chill pill or I need to update my ID.

Multitasking?

So it's midterms at the ole grad school. That time when perfectly sane people lose their natural minds. I'm talking certifiable (which is scary since we're all counseling majors!) Papers, exams, term projects are the source of some serious stress. So I'm attempting to multitask. My job and school work in some kind of harmony.  . .

Bull s#&!

I'm not even doing that much. I'm focused on what I'm paying for not what's paying the bills. There is no such as giving your full attention to more than one thing. It doesn't seem possible. Something isn't going to get the level of attention as something else. So I'm pretty much getting paid to finish my school assignments this week. Eh, the task masters and will get over it. Or I'll just have a lot of time for school work (permanent vacation!)

Work!

So I work in social services. Exactly what I do depends on the day. Sometimes I do quality improvement other days I'm doing case management. So boring is not in my vocabulary. I work at a foster care agency. Where? Confidential folks!  What do I face on a daily basis? Cuss jars, dancing, belligerent clients, belligerent children, belligerent case managers, running jokes, burned out case workers, stupid social workers, and a 50 cent pay raise last year (we balling!) Why do I do this? Because someone has to help the weak and it's only a temporary stop. I'm planning on going global with this here. Saving the children, one belligerent person at a time!

My office aka the small cubicle with no kind of privacy .  .  .

Urban foraging

On line at Trader Joes, I can see the three colored lines! Yes!!

Finding decent food at a price that won't destroy my checking account is a battle in the city. I don't care what your cosmopolitan friends tell you, it rough out there in them streets. I dare not even look at Whole Foods for sustenance, I will not survive and I won't be able to pay rent, dog insurance or anything else. So my store of choice (aside from Mom's fridge and pantry) is Trader Joe's. And obviously I'm not the only person who likes to shop here. I see all of my fellow church members, some co-workers, and hipsters and NYers from far and wide relishing the wonder of a $1.99 food item. Yes I can eat and pay rent! Oh wondrous day!!

Sunday blog

It's Sunday! And for some of us, it's our Sabbath which means get spiffy, grab your holy books, and head to your place of worship.  In my case wear your best pair of jeans and comfy shoes and go fellowship with like minded individuals who are trying to get to the same place I am, Heaven.
  My church is pretty well known. Our choir sang for Obama (Google search!) But the best thing about my church is the fact that despite the hype, they try to practice what they preach. Love, compassion, and representing Jesus Christ the way he is supposed to be. But that's just the building which doesn't mean much, it what takes place inside of the building that is the reason people spend two hours (or more if you're Pentecostal!) on a  day they can sleep in or do brunch with friends (I do that after church actually). It's a place where if you're open and willing the Creator of all things takes time out of his busy schedule to hang out with humanity.

Simple explanation, but I gotta go, the band's starting. Time to go in!

Let's Do This!

Dodging (You wouldn't understand)

Stay out of my Bubble!!!!

Okay, I'm not that extreme. But it took me a while to realize that my aversion to being bothered a lot is not a pathology but just me needing to be left alone. I'm not even moody. I'm a friendly pixie of a chick but sometimes, when I'm just in one of those moods, I need to hide from the ones I like

Are they gone???

Now, I'm not the creepy chick who hides in front of her computer all day (I can't, I work, in social services, with a lot of extroverted loud people). I have the most awesome bunch of friends I can have and they have figured out that sometimes, I want to hang in my room and read or watch the Hunger Games or something. It's fine with them. But there are some folks that don't get when I'm in my moments of solitude, so I've had to perfect my ninja hiding skills:

Around the corner

Between cars (Especially for Aggressive folks who want to borrow money)

Perfecting my hiding skills (or just putting my ringer on silent on my cell phone) has pretty much made it clear to my homies that I'm not here right now, but I'll be joining you shortly.

My morning punishment- traveling to Queens

Some days, when my task masters want to be especially cruel, I am forced to travel out of my borough to the mythical lands of Queens. If you live in other parts of the city, Queens is like another country. Streets that have the same darn name so getting lost in Queens is a requirement or you were not in Queens. I even have to take a whole other way to work with new people to roll with. Yep, I'm on a journey for my liege today. Sigh . . .

LIRR station in Brooklyn. It's quite cold out here.  .  . .