Why Be Skinny? (Day One!)

Okay, confession time. I'm a control freak. A big ole crazy control freak. I don't like people telling me what to do or that I'm wrong. I also don't like criticism. Don't let the acquiesce fool you, I'm a passive aggressive heifer. And besides my love for all things wrapped in dumplings, I'm fat because I like being in control. Yup, that's the reason. I like being in control. It's my identity, dammit!

And I've lost weight many times before. I get comments about how I look and how I should proceed and I stop. I fall right off the wagon. Why? My identity has been stripped away. Big Sexy is dying and there's no one to take her place.

That's sucks doesn't it? Because this is my reason for my weight, not every woman in the world, it sucks for me because had I realized this before, I would have been healthier a long time ago!

So, is it about willpower? No, I stopped eating fast food and drinking soda years ago. I just have a bad habit of not taking care of myself. (You don't eat, you go into starvation mode. So I've been starving myself)

Is it fear? In a sense. Society has told me that fat = unattractive = safe from unwanted and unsolicited advances. So not true. But it is an epic mindscrew from the pit of hell that I only just realized I believed.

Is it lack of motivation? I'm not sure, I'm trying to figure that one out right now.

So, why lose weight anyway? Truthfully, I'm uncomfortable and I'm not healthy. Stress is killing me and I refuse to die young. Do I care if society accepts the new me? Don't know. Do I care that I will be someone else i.e. a skinnier version of me? I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

This is just me rambling the night before I really take control (!) and change my lifestyle for the better.

I have 99 problems and my weight shouldn't be one of them!