Feeding the Monster - Why Tolerance Doesn't Exist

So last Friday the Supreme Court of the United States made a decision to lift a ban on same sex marriages. Okay.

As a Christian, I am thankful for what is called separation of church and state, the decision does not affect the church in the least. Supreme Court did what it felt was right and yes although I am a conscientious objector of this decision along with abortion, guns, death penalty, and government controlled education, abstinence only education, common core, etc, I'm not trying to leave the United States or threatening to burn anything. Hey, I follow a particular philosophical system that has worked for millions for 2000 years. I don't understand why people are so beastly when I say my beliefs but alas, such is the world. I'm entitled only to your opinion I suppose.

But that's not what I'm annoyed about. Please, homosexuality has been around since the flood and that's not act like that's the only thing going on in the world. What I don't like is the mockery the media has made this situation on both sides. On the left, we have the people throwing mud, feces, and all kind of dirt at the religious establishment as though they were in some kind of life and death battle with those who are staunchly opposed. As though they slew a dragon. On the right, people are screeching like Sam and Ted's marriage will be the thing solely responsible for the death of a nation, let's not even talk about father's abandoning homes, women having babies (or not), teens smoking their futures away, people's whole arrogant self centered existence, and Facebook in general.  .  .

Both sides are biased, both sides are stirring people's anger, not a viable dialog. Just anger and strife. As if you can't love your gay family members and not be down to go their wedding. Love their partners like human beings, ensure that they can safely walk the streets without someone attacking them for nonsense. Of course not, because all gays are evil and Christians are biased homophobes.

I believe that tolerance is a lie that we tell ourselves so that we can sleep at night and not worry about feeling the least bit wrong when we mock one another. I think open-mindedness is a superpower possessed by a rare few. Most people are arrogant sheep who can't think for themselves enough to say "Okay, you don't believe what I do, well as long as we don't hurt each other, live your life". That's call loving your neighbor as yourself, shining love towards one another.

That's a Christian concept by the way. Too bad we miss the mark.

Gateway to Asia

This was my second trip outside of the US. 2014, it was Europe, this year it was Thailand, a lovely place known as Chang Mai.

23 hours, two transfers and five time zones later, I was in the midst of awesome!

Hey ya'll!!!

Treat Yo Self! (Valentine's Day on the Turn up!)

I'm a single gal. And while some folks will be running to the movies to get hot a bothered by Fifty Shades of Porn oops I mean Grey, or trying to rangle a semi-decent date. I have officially dubbed 2/14/2015 as Treat YoSelf Day

Yasssss!!!!

So what am I doing on this day? I'm glad you asked, WHATEVER I DARN WELL PLEASE! Go to Smashburger and eat a burger with fries? Yup. Get my feet done and my nails done? Why not? Shop for my trip to Thailand? Of course! Sit at home and watch tv? If I so choose. Buy myself some truffles and not share? That can be an option. 

Because let's be real. Many of us use Valentine's Day as a pity party because you don't have a significant other. So what? I'm not stressing it. I will be Treating Myself well so that even when I have a man, I would have done everything that I needed to make myself happy. 

So single folks, 2/14/2015. Be on the turn up and TREAT YOSELF!

Day Two - The Crap that Lingers

Fresh out of church today after an encounter with God that only personal journal will get to know about (some things are just intimate). But one thing that literally kicked me in the face is the things that linger on us that impede our growth. In my case, loss (as in weight loss).

And the funny thing is, I'm not sure why I thought of it. It was something small really, a wild moment in my 20's, online love, and a song that triggered something in me that I can't even understand why it affected me so deeply.

Seriously, I was just listening to this song in the neighborhood coffee shop and boom, this song came on and put me in a place I haven't been in since my unfortunate 20's.

The story is simple:  a girl with low behind self esteem hiding behind her computer because she's too scared to have a real relationship meets a "pretty awesome dude " on line who has enough musician angst to satisfy her. They have an intense online relationship with plans to meet in her native NYC. Of course the girl is  young and stupid. She sends this jackass money, puts his photo up everywhere, even goes as far as planning to give him her very precious real estate (in other words, he was designated to be her first lover for those following along at home) .  .  .  and then he disappears. And then he pops back up with a new girlfriend and a "we can still be friends." obligatory line that was pure BS. That never happens, he blocks her email, won't answer her phone calls, in fact the phone number changes. The girl decides that she's nobody's stalker and let's it go. She's like " I'm like cool". That was a lie. "I'll get over it, it wasn't that serious. . ." that was a lie from the pit of hell.

Oh the guy (whose name doesn't matter because I don't exist in his world. That's not pity talk, that's actual fact!), he's not the problem. It's what he left behind that is the problem. I never allowed myself to say "Yo, that was some f%^&#d up crap he did."  or "Wow, I'm a total idiot!" Nope, I just tucked it away like it didn't affect me in the least.  And you know what? For a good portion of us, that crap lingers. The sense of rejection doesn't go away. It holds on and makes us feel unworthy, stupid, sub par, and it leaves unfinished business. It's not the guy or the girl, it's the emotions. Emotional wounds that kick your ass hard if we don't heal them. They can hold us back from going forward into a new life.

Now that was like an emotional paper cut compared to other wounds I have had but it was significant enough to be triggered and now to be dealt with.

I made a stupid mistake falling for a catfish mutha %#$#* who left me short 50 bucks but with  my virginity in tact. He was wrong, I was stupid. I am older now and now I can say I can forgive him. I won't say he's innocent, just that I forgive him.

As I sip my cappuccino and listen to the song that tells me that crap can linger, but don't let it linger on you.

Why Be Skinny? (Day One!)

Okay, confession time. I'm a control freak. A big ole crazy control freak. I don't like people telling me what to do or that I'm wrong. I also don't like criticism. Don't let the acquiesce fool you, I'm a passive aggressive heifer. And besides my love for all things wrapped in dumplings, I'm fat because I like being in control. Yup, that's the reason. I like being in control. It's my identity, dammit!

And I've lost weight many times before. I get comments about how I look and how I should proceed and I stop. I fall right off the wagon. Why? My identity has been stripped away. Big Sexy is dying and there's no one to take her place.

That's sucks doesn't it? Because this is my reason for my weight, not every woman in the world, it sucks for me because had I realized this before, I would have been healthier a long time ago!

So, is it about willpower? No, I stopped eating fast food and drinking soda years ago. I just have a bad habit of not taking care of myself. (You don't eat, you go into starvation mode. So I've been starving myself)

Is it fear? In a sense. Society has told me that fat = unattractive = safe from unwanted and unsolicited advances. So not true. But it is an epic mindscrew from the pit of hell that I only just realized I believed.

Is it lack of motivation? I'm not sure, I'm trying to figure that one out right now.

So, why lose weight anyway? Truthfully, I'm uncomfortable and I'm not healthy. Stress is killing me and I refuse to die young. Do I care if society accepts the new me? Don't know. Do I care that I will be someone else i.e. a skinnier version of me? I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

This is just me rambling the night before I really take control (!) and change my lifestyle for the better.

I have 99 problems and my weight shouldn't be one of them! 

European Trip Day 1 - The flying school bus and the big payoff.

May 21, 2014

I'm all packed and ready to go. I do my last check in my room, have a travelling mercy prayer with mom and dad because I'm freaking out, get in my car and I'm on my way to the airport for Paris, France, my first leg of the European tour. So I'm leaving about 4: 30 in the afternoon and so it's the wait to get on the plane. Basically, I'm scared out of my freaking mind. I'm about ready to go nuts because I don't like flying, I don't like flying and I don't like flying (Did I mention that I don't like flying?)  I try to reassure myself that I'm going to be on a big plane so I'll be just fine. .  .  .

Until I see the plane.

Then I'm panicking. How is this flying cheese wagon going to get me across the Atlantic ocean to a place I've never been!? I don't care if it's an AirBus 330, this sucker looks like an old yellow school bus with engines. And then it has the nerve to be sold out so I'm on the plane with 239 other brave souls trying to get to Paris. I am already white knuckle and ready to cry because this is sucker ain't going to make it!

We take off. .  .  .

I'm gonna die and I'm not married yet. Lord this isn't my fate!!!!

Did I mention this plane is small?!

The flight is like six flags Nitro. I'm supposed to sleep on this thing?!

One small bottle of white wine and two Advil pm later.  . .

Oh did I fall asleep? Wow, is that land? Am I in France?

I knew we'd make it.  . .

Worth the the rickety rocket plane ride!

European Trip Day Two - Feels Like Home

So what it took me a long time to write about day two of my European trip? I was busy! With that said, on with the blog...  .  

I'm still dealing with jetlag and the surreal realization that not only am I in another country, I'm totally off the grid (Sprint is not even having it!) And being off the grid I am away from everything that makes me feel comfort - my parents, my siblings, and Facebook! The only thing I have is Skype and it's unreliable at best. So here I am in a European country with nothing but me and my city smarts.

Asnières-sur-Seine 

They don't help me here. Because Parisians are a whole level other of snarky. The subway isn't the same, the city vibe is just not the same. I'm trying to see the charm of Paris, but I can't right now. I guess because I'm also from a big city. It's okay. I can sense that Paris is older than USA. The air is different, the feeling is different, like it is full of history where USA is full of promise and youth.

We're in the Lourve today. And I see all of the art that people only speak about. Mona Lisa, is underwhelming, but the Lourve itself is a work of art. So many things to see and to experience. How does a person take it all in and remember?

What stop lights?

So that's it?!

Tonight we dine in a small bistro in the neighborhood of Ainsieres. It's like being in Brooklyn to me even down to the dog poop on the street and the street art. Again, it's like being at home except no one is speaking English. The bistro owner, Tony, is pleasant and is excited about the amount of money he is getting from the Americans who are not afraid to eat what he serves. I have Bavette and frittes. (Steak and potatoes) but it's not simply that. It is divine. I have wine that is so sweet and good that my roommate gets totally wasted on it (Wine is cheaper than soda in Paris). I go back to my room tipsy which means it's bed time!

Day two in Europe completed.