Day Two - The Crap that Lingers

Fresh out of church today after an encounter with God that only personal journal will get to know about (some things are just intimate). But one thing that literally kicked me in the face is the things that linger on us that impede our growth. In my case, loss (as in weight loss).

And the funny thing is, I'm not sure why I thought of it. It was something small really, a wild moment in my 20's, online love, and a song that triggered something in me that I can't even understand why it affected me so deeply.

Seriously, I was just listening to this song in the neighborhood coffee shop and boom, this song came on and put me in a place I haven't been in since my unfortunate 20's.

The story is simple:  a girl with low behind self esteem hiding behind her computer because she's too scared to have a real relationship meets a "pretty awesome dude " on line who has enough musician angst to satisfy her. They have an intense online relationship with plans to meet in her native NYC. Of course the girl is  young and stupid. She sends this jackass money, puts his photo up everywhere, even goes as far as planning to give him her very precious real estate (in other words, he was designated to be her first lover for those following along at home) .  .  .  and then he disappears. And then he pops back up with a new girlfriend and a "we can still be friends." obligatory line that was pure BS. That never happens, he blocks her email, won't answer her phone calls, in fact the phone number changes. The girl decides that she's nobody's stalker and let's it go. She's like " I'm like cool". That was a lie. "I'll get over it, it wasn't that serious. . ." that was a lie from the pit of hell.

Oh the guy (whose name doesn't matter because I don't exist in his world. That's not pity talk, that's actual fact!), he's not the problem. It's what he left behind that is the problem. I never allowed myself to say "Yo, that was some f%^&#d up crap he did."  or "Wow, I'm a total idiot!" Nope, I just tucked it away like it didn't affect me in the least.  And you know what? For a good portion of us, that crap lingers. The sense of rejection doesn't go away. It holds on and makes us feel unworthy, stupid, sub par, and it leaves unfinished business. It's not the guy or the girl, it's the emotions. Emotional wounds that kick your ass hard if we don't heal them. They can hold us back from going forward into a new life.

Now that was like an emotional paper cut compared to other wounds I have had but it was significant enough to be triggered and now to be dealt with.

I made a stupid mistake falling for a catfish mutha %#$#* who left me short 50 bucks but with  my virginity in tact. He was wrong, I was stupid. I am older now and now I can say I can forgive him. I won't say he's innocent, just that I forgive him.

As I sip my cappuccino and listen to the song that tells me that crap can linger, but don't let it linger on you.

Why Be Skinny? (Day One!)

Okay, confession time. I'm a control freak. A big ole crazy control freak. I don't like people telling me what to do or that I'm wrong. I also don't like criticism. Don't let the acquiesce fool you, I'm a passive aggressive heifer. And besides my love for all things wrapped in dumplings, I'm fat because I like being in control. Yup, that's the reason. I like being in control. It's my identity, dammit!

And I've lost weight many times before. I get comments about how I look and how I should proceed and I stop. I fall right off the wagon. Why? My identity has been stripped away. Big Sexy is dying and there's no one to take her place.

That's sucks doesn't it? Because this is my reason for my weight, not every woman in the world, it sucks for me because had I realized this before, I would have been healthier a long time ago!

So, is it about willpower? No, I stopped eating fast food and drinking soda years ago. I just have a bad habit of not taking care of myself. (You don't eat, you go into starvation mode. So I've been starving myself)

Is it fear? In a sense. Society has told me that fat = unattractive = safe from unwanted and unsolicited advances. So not true. But it is an epic mindscrew from the pit of hell that I only just realized I believed.

Is it lack of motivation? I'm not sure, I'm trying to figure that one out right now.

So, why lose weight anyway? Truthfully, I'm uncomfortable and I'm not healthy. Stress is killing me and I refuse to die young. Do I care if society accepts the new me? Don't know. Do I care that I will be someone else i.e. a skinnier version of me? I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

This is just me rambling the night before I really take control (!) and change my lifestyle for the better.

I have 99 problems and my weight shouldn't be one of them!